Scarred

Something that I didn't think about all the times I thought about how it would be almost a year later is the how the scars of losing Shaun would affect me.

I don't think anyone who's gone through something like this can know what it's going to be like the next day, week, month, or year. You can't guess how your mind and body are going to react to something this traumatic. I lost so much weight that I'm thankfully gaining back. My appetite is nothing like it use to be though and I still get nauseous eating some foods and other foods just make me sad because they have some memory attached to them. I still don't sleep well. Memories haunt me almost every night. Some good, some bad, some just simple everyday moments that don't really mean anything but that they're there and they happened. There are places, songs, movies, subjects and things that I completely avoid. Not even really on purpose but because I just can't. Some are surprising like driving my old truck. Others just break my heart because of the moments that happened there like Disneyland. I haven't been back since Shaun proposed and I honestly don't know when I'll be able to.

One thing I absolutely dreaded in the very beginning was forgetting Shaun. Forgetting how he smelled and the sound of his voice and laugh. Forgetting what it felt like to hold his hand and to be hugged so tight I couldn't breathe. I would pour over pictures and videos. I even have an old voicemail from about a week before he died of him telling me he loves me and can't wait until he picks me up from the airport. I tried so hard to keep him fresh in my memory.

Then one day I woke up and realized I was trying to live in the past. It was an impossible task. I was pounding on an impenetrable wall in the middle of a road that was no longer accessible. I could see the road. I knew where it was going and I could see all the stops along the way that Shaun and I were going to make but I would never, ever be able to walk on that road again. All I was doing with my battering was beating myself down. Breaking myself every second of everyday. So I let the hole in my chest start to scar over. I turned around and there was another road. I had no clue where it was going but I started walking and so far it's been pretty awesome.

There are many things that helped the process. Amazing friends and family. New experiences. Living the daily life that I had put on hold. It was amazing how easy it sometimes was to get lost in the everyday living of life. Making new plans and doing the stuff I had planned and could still accomplish even with Shaun gone. Finding a person that I didn't expect and realizing once and for all that life really was worth it after being broken into an infinite amount of pieces.

Then there are the times where no matter how hard I try I can't get off memory lane. I can't stop the flood gate of emotions. It is always, every single time, a punch through my chest. It happens everyday. Everyday I'm knocked off balance. Feeling like this is a dream and I'm going to wake up with Shaun just around the corner and that it will all fade away like every other dream. Of course this never happens. It's not some dream.

I had a moment the other day where I broke down. I just couldn't handle it anymore. It's been a year and I've been so tough and done so much to keep living. I was feeling stupid and selfish and all I wanted was to be rewarded for having done this for a year. I wanted Shaun to walk through the door and tell me he loved me and was proud of me. Even if he couldn't stay. I just wanted the one person in this universe who will never talk to me again to tell me it was okay. I just wanted to stop being strong and stop acting like I was alright. So selfish. I guess we all have our moments though.

About a month ago I noticed something about myself. My head had taken almost everything that was Shaun and put it in this box in my chest. It had packaged it up and it just sits there. It takes up the space in that hole that was made the second I found out he was gone. It's everything I know and love of him. It might sound silly but that's how it feels. I open it up and look at all the things that were Shaun and it makes me happy, sad, and angry. It reminds me how much I love him, how happy we were together. It makes me cry because it was just so perfect for all its flaws. But like I said, I don't always get to choose when it opens.

No two experiences are the same. You can't imagine what it's like to lose your life because of the death of someone you held so tightly. You can't imagine or prepare yourself to have to start all over again. There is no experience like this. It is completely altering. I am not who I was. I am not the Karli that was a wife and naïve to true loss and grief. I am not really sure that Shaun would know me anymore I have changed so much. Not for the better or for the worse. Just changed.

I'm always surprised when someone realizes what happened to me. They look at me and see Shaun's ring around my neck and it makes me so self conscious because I realize how much I wear it on my sleeve without even noticing.

The scars will always be there. They will forever define me. I guess I'm coming to terms with this.

I don't remember who said it but there's a quote I absolutely love. Something to the effect of "A person doesn't really die until his name isn't spoken anymore." Shaun will live for a very, very long time. Forever 28 years old. Headstrong and silly.

My husband. My Mr. Langdon. I can't believe you've almost been gone a year. I can't believe my life is where it is because you were alive and because you died. Your death has made me a different person. I appreciate so much more than I did and I wish more than anything that I didn't have to learn that in such a difficult way. You always told me that you'd rather live a thousand times in a few years than once in a lifetime. I've tried to make that my motto. I want to meet you at the pearly gates and for you to give me a high five for how much living I packed into my life no matter how long or short it may be. I miss you every second of every day. I carry your heart with me everywhere I go and through everything I do. I can't change what happened but I know that you're up there laughing at me when I'm silly. Crying with me when I'm sad. Punching the people that hurt me, even if they can't feel it. I know you will be my amazing guardian angel for the rest of my life. I know you wish it didn't have to be this way. Believe me when I say you're not the only one. Heaven got a great one and Earth is truly missing out on your shenanigans. I will always love you. Together. Forever. You are my Mr. Langdon.