Firsts

The first times are almost always the worst. Some of the firsts that have gotten me were surprising.

• Hanging out with friends, any of them, was hard. Seeing all of them is like a knife in the heart. Knowing that Shaun was missing kills me. I love being with friends but Shaun's absence for me is greater when I'm with other people.
• Driving the car. I didn't realize that when I drove my car my husband was almost always with me unless I was going to work. We went so many places together and did so many things. He almost always drove also so me driving was even worse.
• Coming home and knowing he wouldn't be there.
• Getting sick with a cold. Not that my husband was the most caring when it came to illness. At least before he would get me medicine and tell me I was beautiful even when I didn't feel like it. He would kiss me when my face was all snotty and tell me he was a champion and I couldn't get him sick. Most of the time he was right.
• Going back to work.
• Making food that use to be mine or his favorite. Cooking is horrible. I don't enjoy eating anyways and then to make something that had so many good memories associated with it is hard. Anything I cook for the first time is hard.
• Buying anything. I bought a new TV and all I could think was that my husband would be mad because it wasn't as big as he wanted and I didn't shop around like he would have. It was a good deal though.
• Realizing that there are things that I will have to ask for help with now. I'm not big and strong like my husband was and there are just too many things that I'm not able to do. Luckily he left me with quite a few large and strong friends that are willing to help if I need it.
• Realizing that I'm it. Stuff won't get done unless I do it. Dishes won't be cleaned, Sammie won't get walked, the trash won't take itself out. On the flip side of that things also don't go missing anymore. That bottle of wine is still in the rack, the leftovers are still in the fridge, my towel is always hanging up, and the toothpaste is only as empty as I left it. Going from being a one half of a whole to being all that's left is a very hard adjustment. One that I will be trying to get used to for a long long time.
• Any celebration. My husband died, then it was Mother's day, then his mother's birthday, then his birthday, then the first month was gone and I couldn't figure out where the time had gone. The firsts are going to keep getting me until this first year is up. Then it will be the second time around for everything and maybe it won't be so bad. I hope.

Firsts are going to keep getting me. Probably for the rest of my life. There's a first time for everything and unfortunately there is now a whole new set that I'm am trying to work through.