Plan on living

So I was never someone who was scared of death or of the unknown. I always thought that what happens happens and there's nothing you can do about it. When my husband died everything changed. Everything. I was suddenly terrified of dying, of the unknown, of leaving behind so many things that I felt were unfinished in my life. I was scared that I really didn't know what happened to him, where he was or what he was doing.

I had to make the conscious decision to live. I didn't want to, I completely lost any desire to be alive anymore. Losing the will to live is possibly the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. To truly not care if I woke up or not, it's not something I would ever want to go through again.

At the same time I was scared of what it would mean to die. I was scared for not just myself but for my friends and family. They had already suffered such a huge loss, could I really give up and make them suffer more? So I have kept myself alive. I've even lived a little bit. It's hard and heart wrenching to do things without my husband. I always wanted to experience things with him and now I never will again. Everything new is even more so because he isn't here with me to share in the experience.

I have to plan on living now. I can't keep looking behind me and expecting something horrible is going to happen. So I plan my life. I decide where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do. It may not seem like much but believe me when I say it's hard. Harder than I ever thought possible. When you just want to curl up in a ball and forget about the world...yes it's hard. I'm alive though, I have a chance of a lifetime, a chance that I don't want but I can't help think how angry my husband would be if I just wasted it. Oh and he would be. Absolutely furious.

I don't plan on dying tomorrow, but now I understand when they say "live like you're dying". My husband lived so much in his short 28 years. He did what he wanted when he wanted. He always said "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission." Man I miss him. Every moment I miss him. I guess my life goes on though. I guess I plan to live.