Make no mistake

I've noticed, and I'm grateful, that many people are attempting to treat me like they did before my husband died. I feel like I put on a good show. I don't cry in public very often and I can laugh and enjoy a conversation or movie. I feel like people look at me and don't know what to do or say and that's ok. I know how it looks from the outside. I've been on the outside before. Not many know what it looks like from my point of view though. I'm broken and I'm not the same person. I'm trying which is what most people see. They see me trying to be who I use to be. I think I'm still here somewhere. Maybe not though. I'm not really sure of those things anymore. When my husband was alive I was so very sure of my life and where I stood. Now I just don't know. One more day down and I don't know how many to go.

Tired

I don't sleep anymore. I don't eat anymore either. When I do sleep it isn't restful. I tend to dream a lot.

So young

I was young and he was charming. He made me laugh and irritated me just enough that I wanted to tell him, everyday, for the rest of my life. The problem is now I can say it all I want. I can scream it at the stars and cry until I can't breathe but what I want is for him to irritate me and make me laugh. I want to tell him I love him and I want him to tell  me he loves me. We were so young. So young and lucky to have what we had. So I cry and I tell him I love him and miss him and that he's a jerk for leaving me. He doesn't argue with me anymore, he doesn't wipe away the tears and tell me he misses me too and that he loves me. I miss the arguing.

What Makes A Bad Day

1. Not getting enough sleep. I don't like going to bed anymore, going to bed means waking up and I just can't seem to shake this nightmare I'm in. Sleep also potentially means I will dream of my husband which at the moment is pure, subconscious, torture. In this same line not sleeping in my actual bed makes for badness.
2. Hangovers. Drinking can be good. In moderation. If I drink too much I get the dreaded hangover. Now a hangover is bad enough as it is. You feel like crap all-over and you just want to crawl in a hole and die generally (if it's a good one). A hangover on top of the death of my husband multiplies those awesome crawl in a hole feelings by about a billion. Trust me on this, unless you plan on staying drunk (no judging), don't do it.
3. Not eating. Eating is an issue for me. I don't stress eat, I stress starve. My husband would literally force feed me fries when I had a test or something at school because I just wouldn't get hungry. The problem with not eating is that your blood sugar drops which makes you feel like crap and since I'm already feeling crappy adding one more crappy thing on top is a bad combo. Much like a hangover except I didn't get the fun drunk part.
4. Staying in the house. If I stay in the house for too long or don't get out and about I generally start to "wallow". Wallowing is not really an okay thing to do. I let myself feel sad or upset but wallowing just makes me feel worse and it's very hard to come back from wallowing.
5. Being alone. There are two parts to this so bear with me. If I am alone too much I do that silly "thinking" thing. That thinking thing leads inevitably to the sad thing and the sad thing when you are by yourself sucks.
6. Being around too many people. Part two of the 'alone' factor is that being with too many people for too long can be brutal. I have a really hard time staying in conversations. My mind won't focus and I tend to zone out. A lot. Apparently this is normal and most of my friends and family have been taking it in stride. Talking about things you don't really care if I know is best because I probably won't remember the majority of the conversation. Being a part of a conversation literally exhausts me. I have to try so very hard to pay attention and focus. 
7. Misc. other things. Some days I can do everything right. I'll get enough sleep, I'll eat, I won't drink, I keep myself occupied and all the other things that make my life a little easier and you know what? It won't matter. I have bad days even when I do everything right. They knock me out and make me horribly sad and I can't do anything about it. Something as simple as seeing a restaurant that my husband and I used to go to can set me off.

These are things that I have found make bad days. Sometimes it won't matter, I'll have a horrible day, but most of the time if I do all the right things I can have "okay" days where I don't want to curl up in a ball and cry. I've found that bad days don't last forever which is the only thing that keeps me sane on those days. I just have to push through.

Torturing myself

I'll be going along and suddenly get a wild hair and start doing things that make me sad. Looking at pictures, reading old texts, thinking about what could have been. I can't help it. It hurts and yet I do it over and over. I torture myself. Sometimes I can get myself to stop and other times I just let myself cry and be sad. Sometimes I honestly like the hurt. It reminds me that I'm not crazy and that I really did lose everything. It helps to let myself be sad. Not all the time but every once in a while.

What to do, what to do?

When I first started this in December I really wanted to change my life. I had just gotten married in October, we were building our first house, and I had withdrawn from the Fall semester at school. I was not entirely content with where I was, but I was happy. Honestly I was happy with who I was and the relationship I was in.

On February 13th my husband and I got the keys to our brand new home. We painted and moved in and everything was really amazing. We were happier then we had ever been and said so on a regular basis. I had decided to take a semester off to figure out what I wanted and be able to just be with my new husband in my new house.

On April 30th everything changed.

My husband.

The love of my life.

Died.

He was in a motorcycle accident and did not survive.

We had been dating since the end of 2006 and were married October 13th of 2012. We had a very short 6 years together. So very very short when we promised each other so much longer than that. We promised forever and he got his but I didn't.

This blog will now be a documentation of what I'm going through at the age of 25 losing my 28 year old husband. I will be posting some things from the first days that were on Facebook for my friends and family as well as what I am doing now. I will take you along on the journey of my new life, a life I never wanted. It's mine now though and I hope to make the best of it.

Stay tuned for more.