Scarred

Something that I didn't think about all the times I thought about how it would be almost a year later is the how the scars of losing Shaun would affect me.

I don't think anyone who's gone through something like this can know what it's going to be like the next day, week, month, or year. You can't guess how your mind and body are going to react to something this traumatic. I lost so much weight that I'm thankfully gaining back. My appetite is nothing like it use to be though and I still get nauseous eating some foods and other foods just make me sad because they have some memory attached to them. I still don't sleep well. Memories haunt me almost every night. Some good, some bad, some just simple everyday moments that don't really mean anything but that they're there and they happened. There are places, songs, movies, subjects and things that I completely avoid. Not even really on purpose but because I just can't. Some are surprising like driving my old truck. Others just break my heart because of the moments that happened there like Disneyland. I haven't been back since Shaun proposed and I honestly don't know when I'll be able to.

One thing I absolutely dreaded in the very beginning was forgetting Shaun. Forgetting how he smelled and the sound of his voice and laugh. Forgetting what it felt like to hold his hand and to be hugged so tight I couldn't breathe. I would pour over pictures and videos. I even have an old voicemail from about a week before he died of him telling me he loves me and can't wait until he picks me up from the airport. I tried so hard to keep him fresh in my memory.

Then one day I woke up and realized I was trying to live in the past. It was an impossible task. I was pounding on an impenetrable wall in the middle of a road that was no longer accessible. I could see the road. I knew where it was going and I could see all the stops along the way that Shaun and I were going to make but I would never, ever be able to walk on that road again. All I was doing with my battering was beating myself down. Breaking myself every second of everyday. So I let the hole in my chest start to scar over. I turned around and there was another road. I had no clue where it was going but I started walking and so far it's been pretty awesome.

There are many things that helped the process. Amazing friends and family. New experiences. Living the daily life that I had put on hold. It was amazing how easy it sometimes was to get lost in the everyday living of life. Making new plans and doing the stuff I had planned and could still accomplish even with Shaun gone. Finding a person that I didn't expect and realizing once and for all that life really was worth it after being broken into an infinite amount of pieces.

Then there are the times where no matter how hard I try I can't get off memory lane. I can't stop the flood gate of emotions. It is always, every single time, a punch through my chest. It happens everyday. Everyday I'm knocked off balance. Feeling like this is a dream and I'm going to wake up with Shaun just around the corner and that it will all fade away like every other dream. Of course this never happens. It's not some dream.

I had a moment the other day where I broke down. I just couldn't handle it anymore. It's been a year and I've been so tough and done so much to keep living. I was feeling stupid and selfish and all I wanted was to be rewarded for having done this for a year. I wanted Shaun to walk through the door and tell me he loved me and was proud of me. Even if he couldn't stay. I just wanted the one person in this universe who will never talk to me again to tell me it was okay. I just wanted to stop being strong and stop acting like I was alright. So selfish. I guess we all have our moments though.

About a month ago I noticed something about myself. My head had taken almost everything that was Shaun and put it in this box in my chest. It had packaged it up and it just sits there. It takes up the space in that hole that was made the second I found out he was gone. It's everything I know and love of him. It might sound silly but that's how it feels. I open it up and look at all the things that were Shaun and it makes me happy, sad, and angry. It reminds me how much I love him, how happy we were together. It makes me cry because it was just so perfect for all its flaws. But like I said, I don't always get to choose when it opens.

No two experiences are the same. You can't imagine what it's like to lose your life because of the death of someone you held so tightly. You can't imagine or prepare yourself to have to start all over again. There is no experience like this. It is completely altering. I am not who I was. I am not the Karli that was a wife and naïve to true loss and grief. I am not really sure that Shaun would know me anymore I have changed so much. Not for the better or for the worse. Just changed.

I'm always surprised when someone realizes what happened to me. They look at me and see Shaun's ring around my neck and it makes me so self conscious because I realize how much I wear it on my sleeve without even noticing.

The scars will always be there. They will forever define me. I guess I'm coming to terms with this.

I don't remember who said it but there's a quote I absolutely love. Something to the effect of "A person doesn't really die until his name isn't spoken anymore." Shaun will live for a very, very long time. Forever 28 years old. Headstrong and silly.

My husband. My Mr. Langdon. I can't believe you've almost been gone a year. I can't believe my life is where it is because you were alive and because you died. Your death has made me a different person. I appreciate so much more than I did and I wish more than anything that I didn't have to learn that in such a difficult way. You always told me that you'd rather live a thousand times in a few years than once in a lifetime. I've tried to make that my motto. I want to meet you at the pearly gates and for you to give me a high five for how much living I packed into my life no matter how long or short it may be. I miss you every second of every day. I carry your heart with me everywhere I go and through everything I do. I can't change what happened but I know that you're up there laughing at me when I'm silly. Crying with me when I'm sad. Punching the people that hurt me, even if they can't feel it. I know you will be my amazing guardian angel for the rest of my life. I know you wish it didn't have to be this way. Believe me when I say you're not the only one. Heaven got a great one and Earth is truly missing out on your shenanigans. I will always love you. Together. Forever. You are my Mr. Langdon.

Christmas

I'm so very glad Christmas is over. One less first on the list before this year without Shaun is over. I realized that it doesn't matter how long I live there will always be firsts. First seconds, first thirds, first forevers. It is so strange to love and live and at the same time grieve and be sad. I wonder if I'll forever be of two minds.

No one and I do mean NO one has the right to judge me for how I am grieving and moving forward with my life. There is not one person in the world who is going through exactly what I am going through so there is not one person who will ever completely understand it. I have decided to be happy. I cannot live my life wishing for something I will never get because it breaks my heart over and over. I consider myself lucky to have the love and support that I have and I consider it very fortunate that I am where I am in this lifelong process of grief. I will never stop wanting and loving Shaun. Never. This does not mean that I cannot love again and I promise you from the depth of my soul that Shaun would never want me to spend my life mourning him with my every breath.

Where the heart is

My heart is broken because Shaun took it with him when he left but I still have his heart and I always will. Last night was one of my crappier nights. Every time I fell asleep Shaun was there in my dreams. There are still times when I swear this has all been one horrible dream and Shaun will come walking through the door like nothing happened and we will just carry on with our lives. I know that he won't but sometimes my head and my heart don't quite agree. Everything is not how I planned but I guess it never is. I'm so sad and tired this morning. I want Shaun to hug me and tell me he loves me so badly I can't hardly stand it. I've learned that I don't always get what I want though. Just a sad day today.

Real love

I dreamt of Shaun for the first time in a long time today. I was so sad and crying and he was just trying to fix it, like always he just wanted me to be happy again. I told him why he couldn't fix it this time and he said he was so sorry and then was heartbroken for me. That guy loved me a whole helluva lot and I guess my head was trying to remind me that if he could he would try and fix everything, he would be devastated for making me so sad. The head and the heart are the two most disagreeable organs sometimes. Love is such a strange thing. Shaun has been gone for three months and yet I love him more and more each day. I'm beginning to believe that he really is always with me because how else could I keep falling in love with him. My heart is broken because of my loving him and yet it's there still because I loved him and was loved by him. What a strange life I'm leading now. I miss him like crazy and I'm pretty sure he misses me too. Such a strange life.

I am not embarrassed

I really don't care who knows that my husband died. I honestly want the whole world to know. I understand that it makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say or do, but this is my life now. I'm not going to hide it or sugar coat it so that someone else doesn't have to deal with the unpleasantness of the information. It wasn't sugar coated for me and my life is one giant bowl of uncomfortable right now so why pretend I'm okay and act like nothing happened? I'm an emotional wreck. I do weird, silly things like talk and yell and scream to a man that is in a box on my counter. I cry and laugh at inappropriate times and I'm not embarrassed to be what I am right now. Some people who don't understand think I should put my game face on and deal with it privately but this isn't a private thing. My husband died, the world is less because he is no longer here. This is not something that you should ignore or pretend like it's in another room. It's everywhere and all encompassing for me. I drive down the road and cry often. I sit in the park on the swing and talk to "no one". I may seem crazy sometimes and that's because I am. There's nothing to do about it and I'm relatively harmless. Just don't ignore someone who is going through a rough patch. It's hard to do things on my own and even though I'm emotionally unstable right now I keep coming back to reality. I understand the difference between visiting the deep end and going off it. It's an uncomfortable situation and if you don't want to be around it or hear about it then go away. I have enough on my plate right now to deal with and I don't need anyone's issues but my own. I feel what I feel when I feel it. I am not going to apologise for who and what I am right now and I never will.

Strange

It's odd but it's getting to the point that I feel like I haven't been doing anything for the last three months because I haven't told Shaun about it. How could it have happened or been important enough to remember if Shaun doesn't know? It's a very surreal feeling. Almost like "it's not official until it's on Facebook," but on a much bigger and more overwhelming scale. Also how do I know how awesome it was unless Shaun is happy or sad or angry about whatever it was with me? It's strange how difficult it is for me to separate my emotional reactions from what I think Shaun would have felt. We spent so much time gauging our lives on each others happiness that I almost don't know how to feel because I don't know how Shaun feels. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me but I suppose it doesn't matter because I understand and Shaun would have understood.