Real love

I dreamt of Shaun for the first time in a long time today. I was so sad and crying and he was just trying to fix it, like always he just wanted me to be happy again. I told him why he couldn't fix it this time and he said he was so sorry and then was heartbroken for me. That guy loved me a whole helluva lot and I guess my head was trying to remind me that if he could he would try and fix everything, he would be devastated for making me so sad. The head and the heart are the two most disagreeable organs sometimes. Love is such a strange thing. Shaun has been gone for three months and yet I love him more and more each day. I'm beginning to believe that he really is always with me because how else could I keep falling in love with him. My heart is broken because of my loving him and yet it's there still because I loved him and was loved by him. What a strange life I'm leading now. I miss him like crazy and I'm pretty sure he misses me too. Such a strange life.

I am not embarrassed

I really don't care who knows that my husband died. I honestly want the whole world to know. I understand that it makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say or do, but this is my life now. I'm not going to hide it or sugar coat it so that someone else doesn't have to deal with the unpleasantness of the information. It wasn't sugar coated for me and my life is one giant bowl of uncomfortable right now so why pretend I'm okay and act like nothing happened? I'm an emotional wreck. I do weird, silly things like talk and yell and scream to a man that is in a box on my counter. I cry and laugh at inappropriate times and I'm not embarrassed to be what I am right now. Some people who don't understand think I should put my game face on and deal with it privately but this isn't a private thing. My husband died, the world is less because he is no longer here. This is not something that you should ignore or pretend like it's in another room. It's everywhere and all encompassing for me. I drive down the road and cry often. I sit in the park on the swing and talk to "no one". I may seem crazy sometimes and that's because I am. There's nothing to do about it and I'm relatively harmless. Just don't ignore someone who is going through a rough patch. It's hard to do things on my own and even though I'm emotionally unstable right now I keep coming back to reality. I understand the difference between visiting the deep end and going off it. It's an uncomfortable situation and if you don't want to be around it or hear about it then go away. I have enough on my plate right now to deal with and I don't need anyone's issues but my own. I feel what I feel when I feel it. I am not going to apologise for who and what I am right now and I never will.

Strange

It's odd but it's getting to the point that I feel like I haven't been doing anything for the last three months because I haven't told Shaun about it. How could it have happened or been important enough to remember if Shaun doesn't know? It's a very surreal feeling. Almost like "it's not official until it's on Facebook," but on a much bigger and more overwhelming scale. Also how do I know how awesome it was unless Shaun is happy or sad or angry about whatever it was with me? It's strange how difficult it is for me to separate my emotional reactions from what I think Shaun would have felt. We spent so much time gauging our lives on each others happiness that I almost don't know how to feel because I don't know how Shaun feels. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me but I suppose it doesn't matter because I understand and Shaun would have understood.

Today

I hate today. I hate everything about it. It's been three months and I've been crying all day.

Firsts

The first times are almost always the worst. Some of the firsts that have gotten me were surprising.

• Hanging out with friends, any of them, was hard. Seeing all of them is like a knife in the heart. Knowing that Shaun was missing kills me. I love being with friends but Shaun's absence for me is greater when I'm with other people.
• Driving the car. I didn't realize that when I drove my car my husband was almost always with me unless I was going to work. We went so many places together and did so many things. He almost always drove also so me driving was even worse.
• Coming home and knowing he wouldn't be there.
• Getting sick with a cold. Not that my husband was the most caring when it came to illness. At least before he would get me medicine and tell me I was beautiful even when I didn't feel like it. He would kiss me when my face was all snotty and tell me he was a champion and I couldn't get him sick. Most of the time he was right.
• Going back to work.
• Making food that use to be mine or his favorite. Cooking is horrible. I don't enjoy eating anyways and then to make something that had so many good memories associated with it is hard. Anything I cook for the first time is hard.
• Buying anything. I bought a new TV and all I could think was that my husband would be mad because it wasn't as big as he wanted and I didn't shop around like he would have. It was a good deal though.
• Realizing that there are things that I will have to ask for help with now. I'm not big and strong like my husband was and there are just too many things that I'm not able to do. Luckily he left me with quite a few large and strong friends that are willing to help if I need it.
• Realizing that I'm it. Stuff won't get done unless I do it. Dishes won't be cleaned, Sammie won't get walked, the trash won't take itself out. On the flip side of that things also don't go missing anymore. That bottle of wine is still in the rack, the leftovers are still in the fridge, my towel is always hanging up, and the toothpaste is only as empty as I left it. Going from being a one half of a whole to being all that's left is a very hard adjustment. One that I will be trying to get used to for a long long time.
• Any celebration. My husband died, then it was Mother's day, then his mother's birthday, then his birthday, then the first month was gone and I couldn't figure out where the time had gone. The firsts are going to keep getting me until this first year is up. Then it will be the second time around for everything and maybe it won't be so bad. I hope.

Firsts are going to keep getting me. Probably for the rest of my life. There's a first time for everything and unfortunately there is now a whole new set that I'm am trying to work through.

Screw you Karli

Things to do to guarantee you'll bawl your eyes out: first get a little drunk, second look at pictures of your late husband, third listen to an old voicemail from him telling you he loves you, fourth watch a video of him being silly, fifth walk around your giant empty house and think about how it doesn't matter what you do or where you go you are always always always lonely and sad. Oh yes and you must start by going out to a lounge for the first time without him...yes that's all you have to do. Relatively simple concepts but hard to do and once you get started you'll be completely and utterly depressed. You know, just a typical night in Karliland.

Plan on living

So I was never someone who was scared of death or of the unknown. I always thought that what happens happens and there's nothing you can do about it. When my husband died everything changed. Everything. I was suddenly terrified of dying, of the unknown, of leaving behind so many things that I felt were unfinished in my life. I was scared that I really didn't know what happened to him, where he was or what he was doing.

I had to make the conscious decision to live. I didn't want to, I completely lost any desire to be alive anymore. Losing the will to live is possibly the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. To truly not care if I woke up or not, it's not something I would ever want to go through again.

At the same time I was scared of what it would mean to die. I was scared for not just myself but for my friends and family. They had already suffered such a huge loss, could I really give up and make them suffer more? So I have kept myself alive. I've even lived a little bit. It's hard and heart wrenching to do things without my husband. I always wanted to experience things with him and now I never will again. Everything new is even more so because he isn't here with me to share in the experience.

I have to plan on living now. I can't keep looking behind me and expecting something horrible is going to happen. So I plan my life. I decide where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do. It may not seem like much but believe me when I say it's hard. Harder than I ever thought possible. When you just want to curl up in a ball and forget about the world...yes it's hard. I'm alive though, I have a chance of a lifetime, a chance that I don't want but I can't help think how angry my husband would be if I just wasted it. Oh and he would be. Absolutely furious.

I don't plan on dying tomorrow, but now I understand when they say "live like you're dying". My husband lived so much in his short 28 years. He did what he wanted when he wanted. He always said "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission." Man I miss him. Every moment I miss him. I guess my life goes on though. I guess I plan to live.