Christmas

I'm so very glad Christmas is over. One less first on the list before this year without Shaun is over. I realized that it doesn't matter how long I live there will always be firsts. First seconds, first thirds, first forevers. It is so strange to love and live and at the same time grieve and be sad. I wonder if I'll forever be of two minds.

No one and I do mean NO one has the right to judge me for how I am grieving and moving forward with my life. There is not one person in the world who is going through exactly what I am going through so there is not one person who will ever completely understand it. I have decided to be happy. I cannot live my life wishing for something I will never get because it breaks my heart over and over. I consider myself lucky to have the love and support that I have and I consider it very fortunate that I am where I am in this lifelong process of grief. I will never stop wanting and loving Shaun. Never. This does not mean that I cannot love again and I promise you from the depth of my soul that Shaun would never want me to spend my life mourning him with my every breath.

Where the heart is

My heart is broken because Shaun took it with him when he left but I still have his heart and I always will. Last night was one of my crappier nights. Every time I fell asleep Shaun was there in my dreams. There are still times when I swear this has all been one horrible dream and Shaun will come walking through the door like nothing happened and we will just carry on with our lives. I know that he won't but sometimes my head and my heart don't quite agree. Everything is not how I planned but I guess it never is. I'm so sad and tired this morning. I want Shaun to hug me and tell me he loves me so badly I can't hardly stand it. I've learned that I don't always get what I want though. Just a sad day today.

Real love

I dreamt of Shaun for the first time in a long time today. I was so sad and crying and he was just trying to fix it, like always he just wanted me to be happy again. I told him why he couldn't fix it this time and he said he was so sorry and then was heartbroken for me. That guy loved me a whole helluva lot and I guess my head was trying to remind me that if he could he would try and fix everything, he would be devastated for making me so sad. The head and the heart are the two most disagreeable organs sometimes. Love is such a strange thing. Shaun has been gone for three months and yet I love him more and more each day. I'm beginning to believe that he really is always with me because how else could I keep falling in love with him. My heart is broken because of my loving him and yet it's there still because I loved him and was loved by him. What a strange life I'm leading now. I miss him like crazy and I'm pretty sure he misses me too. Such a strange life.

I am not embarrassed

I really don't care who knows that my husband died. I honestly want the whole world to know. I understand that it makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say or do, but this is my life now. I'm not going to hide it or sugar coat it so that someone else doesn't have to deal with the unpleasantness of the information. It wasn't sugar coated for me and my life is one giant bowl of uncomfortable right now so why pretend I'm okay and act like nothing happened? I'm an emotional wreck. I do weird, silly things like talk and yell and scream to a man that is in a box on my counter. I cry and laugh at inappropriate times and I'm not embarrassed to be what I am right now. Some people who don't understand think I should put my game face on and deal with it privately but this isn't a private thing. My husband died, the world is less because he is no longer here. This is not something that you should ignore or pretend like it's in another room. It's everywhere and all encompassing for me. I drive down the road and cry often. I sit in the park on the swing and talk to "no one". I may seem crazy sometimes and that's because I am. There's nothing to do about it and I'm relatively harmless. Just don't ignore someone who is going through a rough patch. It's hard to do things on my own and even though I'm emotionally unstable right now I keep coming back to reality. I understand the difference between visiting the deep end and going off it. It's an uncomfortable situation and if you don't want to be around it or hear about it then go away. I have enough on my plate right now to deal with and I don't need anyone's issues but my own. I feel what I feel when I feel it. I am not going to apologise for who and what I am right now and I never will.

Strange

It's odd but it's getting to the point that I feel like I haven't been doing anything for the last three months because I haven't told Shaun about it. How could it have happened or been important enough to remember if Shaun doesn't know? It's a very surreal feeling. Almost like "it's not official until it's on Facebook," but on a much bigger and more overwhelming scale. Also how do I know how awesome it was unless Shaun is happy or sad or angry about whatever it was with me? It's strange how difficult it is for me to separate my emotional reactions from what I think Shaun would have felt. We spent so much time gauging our lives on each others happiness that I almost don't know how to feel because I don't know how Shaun feels. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me but I suppose it doesn't matter because I understand and Shaun would have understood.

Today

I hate today. I hate everything about it. It's been three months and I've been crying all day.